Why You Don't Have the Relationship You Want Yet

"- I can't do this anymore, I've had enough. I tell you the same thing every time and you do nothing — what do I have to do to get you to listen, just once? she said, sitting down on the bench, disappointed by yet another failed outing with her partner.
– I'm here with you right now, I'm listening. I don't understand, what's gotten into you?
– You're an idiot, I asked you yesterday to make some time for a walk, and now I'm talking to you and you don't hear me.
– Well, aren't I with you right now? What am I supposed to hear? he said, puzzled, thinking he'd just stepped onto a minefield: "what's gotten into her now? Better to stay quiet so I don't make her even angrier."
– Never mind, let's just go home, I've lost the mood for this!"

This is roughly how a scene from the life of a stagnant couple unfolds, and it is certainly not the only one.
I didn't need to hear more to see that this was a dysfunctional relationship. Unfortunately, I come across this same scenario in many sessions with the people I work with, both in couples therapy and one-on-one.

The real problem?

When one partner tries to show their emotional side, to express what they feel, the other meets them with a wall. Neither of the two intends to hurt the other. And yet they do, because they don't know any other way.

Usually, the one who expresses themselves does so in a way that frightens the other, making them withdraw and become defensive.

Communication, bless its heart — we talk about it so much and yet practice it so little. I propose we give it a new name 🙂

Fear, the great enemy of us all, whether we admit it or not, still slips out from behind the curtain now and then, baring its teeth. I used to think it might be a mischievous smile, but I've since become convinced that it isn't, ever since I felt its cold breath on the back of my neck whispering: "you called! I came!"

Yes, we often invite it into our lives to help us take action, seeing it as a motivating force. I know the principle of pain very well, because I lived by it for a good part of my life.

We make changes, we move forward with courage and a dash of madness only when we feel a cold shiver down our spine keeping us up at night while we search for a solution to our problems.

It's the same in relationships — until it hurts, we do nothing: whether we're searching for a partner, going through a breakup or divorce, or feeling let down by someone important in our lives.

Yes, I know, career comes first, then the promotion, building a house, buying a car, loans, and so on. You can have all of these and enjoy them even more if you take a bit of time to look at your relationships: with your partner, your family, your friends, your colleagues.

A resource we receive for free and don't know what to do with. A resource that contributes to a happy, fulfilled life, and one we don't use!

What does that mean?

What if, starting tomorrow, YOU took the first step toward others? Offer them a smile, ask how they're doing, be there for them and just listen. Stop waiting for the other person to come to you first. It's like hoping for a better world but expecting someone else to build it, not you. Let the fog lift from your gaze and see others as friends, not enemies. You're not in a battle — you're joining forces with people as wonderful as you to build a relationship, a home, a community, a society.

Don't be fooled by appearances — we all wear masks to protect ourselves, but for how long? Start by being the first to let go of that heavy mask you wear every day while shouting at others that this isn't who you really are.

Instead of telling them who you are, show them!

It was very hard for me to do this too. I used to take care of my own needs and the bare minimum for my partner and family, stingy with words of appreciation and with the small good deeds done along the way. I didn't do this out of unkindness, but because that's what I was used to. A voice kept echoing in my mind: "don't trust anyone," and the same scenario kept repeating endlessly: disappointment, anger, sadness, expectations.
I would stand there with my hand out, saying: "you give to me first, so that I can give to you later."

I forgot to look at myself and search within for the resources and gifts I could offer myself and those around me.

I set out to test it, to see what would happen if I went toward people first and offered them something: a kind word, my presence, a hug, a smile, or help with a task.
Day by day I blossomed, something grew inside me: enthusiasm and an ever-widening smile. I went from seeing life in black and white to painting it in pastel colours.

Now I'm even more ready to help you and to walk alongside you on your journey — I've refilled my own tank and I'm setting out on a new one.

Will you come with me?

With a hug,

Ralu

P.S: if you're interested in the topic of relationships and would like me to write about certain issues or situations, send me an email at ralucas.nedelcu@gmail.com