What Does Safety Mean in a Relationship?

How many times have you thought your relationship might end?

Safety in a relationship is about how secure you feel within it. It can take many forms: for some it means fidelity, for others it's about financial security, the security that whatever you say won't be used against you, the security that the relationship won't end, and so on.
I've learned that safety, in all its forms, really means trusting in your ability to cope, no matter the circumstances or the challenges you face.

How does this apply within a relationship?

Well, the same formula holds. If you claim to be together for better or worse, you can't tell your partner, in a difficult, vulnerable and uncertain moment, that it's his problem, that he has an issue and needs to handle it alone. On the contrary, that's exactly the moment to show him you're a partner he can rely on. You can start by asking how you can help. Then wait — he'll ask you for what he needs if he feels he can count on you.

How we feel about safety in a relationship can have many causes: the model we picked up from our parents, our childhood, friends, genetics, attachment style, past breakups, the influence of films, books, and the beliefs we hold about relationships. But more than the cause, what matters is how these show up in our everyday actions and interactions. Even more, what matters is what we do with everything we see or know.

There are two major factors that influence safety in a relationship: fear of being alone and criticism from one's partner.

A man who trusts himself gives a woman a sense of trust

A woman will feel safe with a man who is emotionally available, honest, trustworthy and authentic.
These are the hallmarks of a strong character that she respects and admires in a man.

A person of character and emotional depth is someone who knows who he is. Because he's comfortable with who he is, he doesn't need to win everyone's approval by trying to please them all. His strength isn't about physical power, but about clarity of mind, emotions and direction — and that's what makes a woman feel safe with him.

He isn't a weak man who caters to other people's whims. He hasn't buried emotional wounds, doesn't avoid repressed emotions, and doesn't have a fragile ego that feels attacked when he's asked a question.

A woman feels safe when she can see the relationship is heading somewhere

An important factor that creates safety for women is the confidence that the relationship is solid and will work in the long run. When a man spends quality time with his partner, helps with household chores, or does things together with her, he sends the message that he's committed to the relationship and contributes to building harmony.

In other words, women need emotional safety in order to relax and, in turn, engage deeply in the relationship. Otherwise, they live in constant fear that a rift or even a breakup might happen, and they won't invest too much, nor reveal their love and feelings for their partner.

Downsides that can arise when a woman gets what she wants

If a woman gains control over her partner through outbursts of anger, jealousy and sadness, that means she's influencing the man's behavior through her emotional reactions.

As a result, he'll learn to avoid activities that trigger negative emotional reactions and criticism from his partner, and will only do the things she approves of. At that point, a woman may believe she can control his behavior, but somewhere in her subconscious, she won't perceive him as a strong man. On the contrary, over time, she'll come to see him as a weak man who has given up his values and principles — who he truly is — just to please her. As a result, she'll no longer feel attracted to him, and she won't feel safe next to a man she perceives as weak.

Men's fear of criticism and judgment

A man's sense of safety depends heavily on acceptance or criticism from his partner. Men are very aware and sensitive to the way their partner talks about them.
A sharp word or harsh criticism can throw him off balance. On the other hand, a simple smile can make him feel accepted, loved and supported.

When a man senses that he'll be criticized no matter what he says, he'll shut down and stop sharing anything about himself or what he's doing. In that case, the woman will start making up all sorts of scenarios about what he's up to.
The solution isn't to share less, but to share more — just in a way that's healthy for both of you.

Building or finding safety in a relationship is a journey. It's not something you get instantly by following a series of steps, but a project both partners work on together, shoulder to shoulder.

From experience, I can tell you that speaking honestly about your thoughts and feelings, with a partner who doesn't criticize or judge, who accepts that you're different from him and have a different life experience, can be a path toward creating a sense of safety in the relationship.
You'll become far more aware of each other, as soon as you become aware of your own emotions, motivations and beliefs.

Insecurity in a relationship drains energy, nerves and resources, and can easily lead you to slip toward various escapes, addictions, or parallel relationships. On the other hand, when that foundation of safety exists, you know you'll handle any challenge together and share a common direction — all your energies multiply. That way, you can use them to create everything you want and to grow.

How important is safety in a relationship to you, and what are you doing to create it?

With love,

Raluca

P.S: I know this can be a sensitive topic, so feel free to write to me privately with any thoughts or challenges you have around it.

Also, if you'd like us to work together on this aspect of your life, write to me at contact@ralucanedelcu.com.