What I Learned About Relationships This Past Year

I could say that 2017 was the year of relationships. From my relationship with myself, to my friends, to the people close to me, and to everyone around me, I can honestly say I faced countless challenges — or rather, lessons — some light, some tough.

That's what happens when you don't learn your lessons in time, or when you refuse to let go of patterns and behaviors that no longer serve you: life steps in and shows you, you bump your head, and you remember for next time — or do you?

The first lesson I learned was about my own personal power.

I think it was one of the hardest tests I've faced, but I did learn my lesson. I used to have no confidence in myself, in my potential, in my abilities — I always saw beautiful qualities in others that I admired, and told myself I couldn't do the same, or grew frustrated wondering why not. Thinking that way, I somehow waited for support from the people close to me and only acted after consulting them. I'd even wait around hoping for a helping hand.

There were plenty of moments when I depended on others, on the outside world, and my decisions followed suit. That brought a lot of frustration, because nothing ever turned out the way I would have wanted. "Would have wanted" is the key phrase, because I never once sat down to define my own dreams and goals first, and then figure out how to bring them into the present.

It sounds so simple, and yet we don't do it — we're afraid to set big goals, afraid of failure, of shame, even of success, of what others will say, and the list goes on.

Once I decided to start making decisions for myself first, and had the courage to set a long-term goal spanning roughly 3 to 10 years, everything around me started taking shape, opportunities began appearing, and results weren't far behind. There were still challenges, and there always will be, but now I have far more courage and confidence that I can handle them well.

The second lesson of last year was about trust — specifically, trust in people.

Even though we have hundreds of friends on social media and communicate through various posts and groups, in reality we tend to have less and less genuine connection and trust in one another.
True friendships are getting rarer; relationships built around gossiping or complaining to each other about how hard life is don't really deserve the name.

A relationship in the true sense of the word means having courage and patience with the other person; it means sharing both beautiful and difficult moments together; it sometimes means simply being there, present, just listening, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of the other person. That's not weakness — quite the opposite, it's proof of courage and strength.

A relationship also means learning to ask for what you need, to express your wants and needs, and to make small compromises within your own comfort zone.

There's no such thing as a relationship without expectations: whether romantic, friendship, professional, or family, we always enter them with at least one expectation we never voice — we like to appear like superheroes, like we can manage on our own and don't need anyone, secretly hoping our wishes will be read and fulfilled anyway.

This is where conflicts arise between us, trust goes out the window, we start seeing each other as enemies, and we enter a power struggle.

Who's the toughest one in the room?

Another aspect of trust shows up when we wait for the other person to make the first move, afraid of looking foolish in their eyes.

But what if they're waiting for exactly the same thing?

What would happen if you made the first move, with an open heart?
What would it be like to tell your crush how you really feel and what you want? Or to tell a coworker that you appreciate something they said yesterday, or the way they are? Or to tell your parents that you appreciate them, that you want them to trust you, and that you still need their approval from time to time?

What do you have to lose? And what do you have to gain?

Every experience teaches you something, helps you grow, transforms you, refines you. If you just wait, you'll be waiting a long time, and you won't learn a thing in the meantime — all you'll do is grow frustrated that others have what you don't.

So? What's your next brave experience going to be?

The third lesson of last year was about truth and authenticity.

Many of us define lying as saying something that isn't true, but it's also a lie when you withhold things, or don't express your needs, thinking you're protecting the other person from getting upset.
I've been on both sides many times, and I can say I never felt good in either one. When you don't speak up, you build up frustration and start writing scripts in your head that only you live in, and you act accordingly. A lack of honesty leads to a lack of connection between people.
When I was on the receiving end — not being told certain things, only finding out through conflict or tense situations, once it was already too late — I felt hurt, because I felt lied to. And in the meantime, noticing the other person behaving differently, I'd build my own scenarios too, which of course I never shared either.

I kept going around in this circle until it hurt enough that I decided to be honest, and to encourage the people around me to do the same. That way, we save relationships, save energy for constructive things, and stay more connected to one another.

It's not always comfortable to call things by their name. For those moments, you can create a safe space: prepare the other person, tell them your intention, make sure they're really listening, and then speak without accusing or judging — talking only about yourself, about what you feel, what you like and don't like.

Even if they're upset in the moment, they'll appreciate your honesty later, and you'll have taken a step toward getting closer to them with an open heart. In doing so, you'll encourage them to do the same.

This year, I've set out to be braver in my relationships with the people around me, to call things by their name, and to allow myself to be exactly who I am — flaws, strengths, vulnerabilities and all — and to focus my energy on building the life I want around me.

What are you setting out to do for yourself this year, and what kind of relationships do you want to build around you?

With love,

Raluca