Expectations vs. Reality in Relationships

I recently watched a film about relationships, on someone's recommendation: Newness.
Knowing it was a film about relationships, of course I watched it in one sitting 🙂

In short, here is what I took from the film that I think is essential in relationships:

Many people are fooled by new technology, such as online dating apps, believing this is the solution and that it's easier to connect this way.
For those who are always looking for something new, this can be very tempting, even though they don't really know what they want. They run endlessly from one illusion to another and become more and more unhappy, more and more empty and hungry on the inside.

Once they're in a relationship, they find it hard to talk about the things from their past that weigh on them, afraid of being judged and abandoned. What they're really afraid of is not being loved anymore.

On the other side, the second partner has exactly the same fears, and so each person's fear of expressing themselves and talking about their most hidden things leads to conflict, betrayal, breakups, disappointment.

There's also another category of people who, after already having suffered a few disappointments, believe the solution is to accept being alone, or to treat the relationship as a transaction: I give you this, you give me that… that's it, I don't care about the rest.

In conclusion, a relationship can only work when you truly know what you want, what the purpose of your relationship is, and whether you — and your partner — are willing to commit. That means speaking openly with the other person and having the courage to say what you want from your partner. It doesn't mean they have to agree with you 100%, nor you with them — the decision belongs to each person.

Many loves, many relationships built on genuine love, are lost because we don't know how to take care of them, we don't really know how they work. We follow the models we've seen and keep seeing every day, without ever asking ourselves: but how do I really want it to be? and what do I need to do to get there and maintain the balance?

Just as you go to the gym and work to maintain your fitness and health, and after a few hours at the gym you expect results, so too, after a relationship that has barely begun, you have high expectations, even though you're not consistently working to build it.

Because it's not just about the two of you, it's about her, him, and the relationship. And here's a question for you: what do you think the purpose of your relationship is? Or, if you're thinking of a significant past relationship in your life, what do you think its purpose was?

A relationship, in my view, teaches us that it isn't just a transaction — I give so that you give. When you're truly living love, you stop keeping score of everything, and instead you learn from the other person, because they're there to help you strengthen your weak points, and vice versa: the other person is there to help you develop the skills you need.

And you shouldn't wait for the other person to take the first step before you take yours. What I've learned recently is that in a relationship you follow the rule of leading by example: if I do something for my partner to help them or surprise them, they will do the same for me, and there's no need to negotiate. Because it's like a dance: I take a step toward you, you take a step toward me.

We recently noticed that we were doing things purely on our own initiative, for the house or for each other, without discussing or negotiating things we used to argue about before. This came from understanding that when you focus on the relationship, it can't help but go well, and you no longer feel like you're making extra effort to work on it 🙂

A loving relationship is about communion — about seeing through the other person's eyes and being emotionally present for them, about celebrating their successes and encouraging them to follow their dreams, about being a companion on the journey, about joining your energy with theirs to create and build together the life you want, and to inspire the people around you.

Many people enter a relationship for one reason or another: fear of loneliness, the desire to share everything with someone, the need for affection, validation, or simply because that's what's expected, what society demands… or not.

What need do you enter your relationships with?

With a hug,

Ralu