Stop and Start Over

Do you feel like you're going in circles, stuck in place, unsure which decision to make or which direction to take?
We all have moments like this in our lives. What matters is how we relate to them. Do you see them as a total failure, or as an opportunity to do something different?
Today we're talking about failure, and especially how to bounce back and get on the path that's right for us.

Failure most often means losing something: money, relationships, opportunities, projects, health — the list goes on. At the same time, failure can lead us to success, if we position ourselves correctly toward it and set fear aside.

From early childhood, we're rarely allowed to fail, especially when it comes to meeting other people's expectations. If we do, we're punished for it. Even back then, we're expected to project an image of "perfection."

That's a heavy burden to place on a child's shoulders — learning, from just a few years old, that you're a loser when you don't succeed. Even if no one says it to you directly, you feel it.

Later, in adulthood, when you're faced with a failure, you get the impression that your whole life is a failure and that you're not good for anything. You may even give up on many important things simply because you stay stuck on that one incident. God forbid you should try that project — or that relationship with someone — again. The fear is far too great.

What failure teaches us

I've learned 2 important things about failure — or rather, I think it taught them to me 🙂

1. Not to take it personally when I don't succeed, not to consider myself, as a person, a failure, but to detach a little in order to figure out what's happening and how I can regroup, change direction, or perhaps even let go of the idea, if it isn't a viable one. This is also where I'd mention those moments when it's very hard to give up on certain projects, relationships or jobs simply because we've already invested so many resources in them and, even though every analysis says it won't work, we keep investing in the hope that it will.

2. The second thing is: learn from your failures

Where I used to consider success as the completion of a finished project, I've learned that it's healthier for me to set milestones of success to celebrate along the way. That way, I build more courage and confidence. For example, I can consider a project or action a success simply because I had the courage to do it, or because I managed to accomplish everything I set out to do in a day or a week.

3. I said 2 things, but there are actually 3 🙂

You fail when you set out to do many things, of high quality, and fast — as fast as possible. In practice, you're trying to build castles on foundations of sand. I think you already know how that turns out. So it's better to do one thing well, efficiently and durably, than many things with no lasting results. You can read more about this strategy in the book "The One Thing" by Gary Keller. //

Solutions and strategies for bouncing back

Keep going, or say STOP?

One of the hardest things when it comes to decisions is figuring out when it's time to keep going with a project or a relationship, and when it's time to call it quits. On one hand, we know that perseverance and courage are among the most important ingredients for success in any field. On the other hand, telling someone to never give up, no matter what, is some of the worst advice you can give.
Successful people give up on plenty of things. If something isn't working, they don't keep repeating the same actions endlessly — they revise, adjust, refocus, or let go.
As the quote goes:

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." – Einstein

Shifting perspective

Shifting perspective always works when we're making decisions. It lets us detach more easily from the emotions of the moment. It allows us to think more rationally and clearly. When we zoom out, we tend to take more information into account and become more open to alternative possibilities. Deliberately changing your perspective unlocks the way you look at a decision and helps you revisit what really matters. Professional photographers use wide-angle lenses precisely to take in the whole picture.

Here I'd like to offer you an exploration exercise that I use often in coaching sessions:
I recommend writing down whatever answers come to mind, so you can read them back after finishing the exercise.
So, let's set off on this journey.

Point A

Imagine yourself right at the beginning of that project or relationship where you now feel stuck and don't know what to do.

1. What did you know at that moment about what was to come?

2. What hopes did you have for the future regarding your goal?

3. What did you want fervently and were certain you would achieve? Where did that certainty come from? What resources were you relying on?

Point B

Next, I invite you to pause in the present.

1. How did you get here? What helped you?

2. How does it compare to what you imagined at the start: harder, easier, or completely different from what you thought?

3. What obstacles and challenges came up along the way, and how did you deal with them?

4. What do you want now?

5. What do you need to learn in order to get through these challenges or blocks?

6. What expectations do the people involved in this situation have (if others are involved)?

Point C

Further on, I invite you to take a walk into the future. Specifically, 6 months from now.
1. What does your project look like? What stage is it at?

2. How do you feel about having come this far? How has it impacted you as a person?

3. How do others perceive you? What do they see in you?

4. What did you do to get here?

5. What advice do you have for your present self?

The road from failure to success can take many forms: short, long, full of detours, full of challenges, and so on. What matters more than any of that, I think, is how you travel that road. With hope and confidence that you'll succeed? Or with fear and caution, worried about taking a wrong step?

I'd love for you to tell me or write to me about your own experiences with failure, and especially, what you learned from them and how they helped you grow.

With love,

Raluca