The Need for Control: How Do You Know When It's Too Much or Too Little?

What comes to mind when you think about control?

Maybe that moment when you want to scream at the top of your lungs at someone who just annoyed you, but you don't?

Or when you're tempted to check your partner's phone?

Or when you want to do everything yourself, because no one does it better than you?

Or when you want to hug someone with your whole heart, but you don't?

Think of parents who fear their teenager might fall in with the wrong crowd and impose restrictions to keep them in check?

Or those moments when you're always planning everything you have to do, when you know everything that's going on at work down to the last detail, and you no longer have time for family or relaxation? You could probably use another 12 hours in the day just to get it all done?

Not to mention those moments when you're on a diet, not allowed to eat your favorite food, and you happen to walk right past a restaurant serving exactly that dish. Do you give in to temptation or not?

All the examples above describe a certain form of control.

Until not long ago, I saw control as something bad, something negative. But I realized that the same thing can have both a negative side and a positive one.

Control offers a sense of safety. But it's only an apparent safety, because there's always room for the unexpected. Knowing at all times what to expect removes a certain amount of stress and anxiety that we're prone to.

But there's also a downside: you don't have the energy to do everything you know needs to be done, or that you know you're capable of. I mean the mental and emotional energy needed to handle every situation. You reach the point where your batteries are empty, and yet you don't stop — you keep insisting on doing everything the right way, at the right time, exactly as you planned, until you're completely worn out.

Sleepless nights, irritability, fear and anxiety are some of the side effects.

So how do you know when there's too much or too little control, in time to do something about it?

And more importantly, what are the consequences?

First of all, control can take several forms:

·     Over others (external)

·     Or self-control (internal)

Signs that you struggle with controlling others:

You don't let anyone do things for you, even though you can barely keep up with your day-to-day tasks. No one does them better than you, or so you think.

The need to always be in control can mean that you're a perfectionist, deeply concerned with what others think of you. Psychologist Monica Ramirez Basco says: 'The pursuit of perfection can be painful, because it's driven by the desire to do everything right and the fear of the consequences of making mistakes.'

So, if you're perfect in your own eyes and in the eyes of others, you get the feeling that you have everything under control.

You feel the need to keep tabs on everyone else

If you're the kind of person who needs to know what everyone else is doing at all times, well, you might be a bit of a control freak. This often shows up in bosses who insist on being CC'd on every email, because they don't trust their team. Naturally, that comes with a lot of pressure and stress.

You judge other people's behavior

Judging others is also a form of controlling behavior. In the moment, it can make you feel better about yourself. In the long run, though, people who judge tend to suffer more, because they don't have quality relationships in their lives.

People who judge others are usually very critical of themselves too. They act defensively and attack others with judgment in order to avoid the pain and dissatisfaction they feel toward themselves.

Ultimately, when you choose to judge others, nobody really wins. It's better to think about how you could help others grow instead, by offering constructive feedback.

Being in control of your own life isn't a bad thing. But trying to manage how other people live theirs can be a problem.

Self-control, or internal control

When it comes to self-control, I can go into more detail, because I dealt with this for a long time without realizing something was off.

Generally, people with excessive self-control share the following traits:

• they're conscientious and responsible;
• they find it hard to relax;
• they set very high standards for themselves, even though they know they can't always meet them;
• they keep their feelings and opinions to themselves until they feel it's "the right moment";
• they're very cautious;
• perfectionists;
• very rigid, they only function according to rules;
• focused on details, they lose sight of the big picture;
• they mask their true feelings.

To this I'd add another category — people who stop making plans altogether, out of fear that things won't turn out perfectly. That's because, more than once in their lives, things didn't go exactly as they'd intended.

Or those who plan and refine every last detail and never actually finish the project, because it will never be perfect enough.

While this kind of behavior can have some advantages, it also comes with flawed relationships with the people around you. People like this struggle to form deep connections and often feel lonely, even though they may spend plenty of pleasant time with others. When they leave, they feel disconnected and unappreciated. That's because their focus is on looking good, on being perfect, on not making mistakes — instead of on building real connections with the people around them.

Control over your own emotions

When is emotional self-control too much?

Well, when you don't express your emotions and feelings, you start bottling them up. Especially the negative ones, which form an ever-growing knot inside you. And at some point, when there's no more room, it erupts like a volcano over anyone and anything in its path. That's how collateral damage — and guilt — happens, once all that pent-up emotion finally gets released.

In this case, when self-control goes too far, everyone ends up losing something.

There's another version of this I come across often — people who have bottled everything up their whole lives. They did it because that's what they were taught was proper, so as not to upset anyone, or out of fear. And now they're constantly frowning, frustrated, dissatisfied, and critical of everything around them. Nothing is ever good enough for them.

In fact, it's not about controlling your emotions — it's about how we think about and perceive them. Because that's what shapes our attitude and behavior.

In short, we control how we respond to our emotions.

Reacting versus responding

There are two ways you can respond to an emotion.

You can have a quick, instinctive reaction, without filtering it through thought and without considering the consequences.

Or you can respond calmly, after thinking through the consequences of your actions.

We all want to stay calm and not act out of anxiety, frustration, anger, fear, and so on.

But how can we do that?

Most of the time, we live our lives acting on impulse, without being aware of what we're doing. We chase instant reward and make choices without thinking too much.

This, too, comes from an instinctive drive to seek pleasure and avoid pain.

To stop acting on impulse, you can start by paying attention to your thoughts, the behavior that results from them, and the emotions you're experiencing.

At the end of each day, you could even take stock of the situations you went through. Then ask yourself:

How else could I have responded to the important situations of this day?

There's a big difference between reacting and responding. One comes from impulse, the other from decision.

For example, maybe you're afraid of public speaking. You get frustrated and start criticizing yourself, telling yourself you're not a good speaker. The more you avoid speaking in public, the more that fear grows, until it becomes something truly frightening.

Examining what you think about it gives you the chance to see things differently. You can choose to face your fear, see whether it's really as big a deal as it seems, and then feel more confident in yourself for having had the courage to do it. In the end, we learn from experience.

When do you need to introduce more control into your life?

At the opposite pole are the rebels, as I like to call them 🙂.

These are the chaotic, free-spirited people who do what they want, when they want, depending on their mood. The downside in this case is that when they set out to do something, they get sidetracked along the way — distracted by other views, other opportunities, and so on. As a result, they never quite finish what they started.

To achieve the results they want, these people need to bring more control into their lives. This is the positive side of control — planning, organization, and direction. Things that help you monitor your progress and take action when something goes wrong.

In the end, the only thing we can truly control is our attitude toward our thoughts, emotions, circumstances, and other people.

If, while reading this article, you recognized yourself in one of these situations, I can only tell you that anything can be changed and worked on. It all starts with your motivation — why you want to change a certain behavior — followed by the decision, and of course, repeated action.

But before anything else, you need acceptance. By looking at yourself honestly and admitting that some things simply are the way they are, you can choose to act differently, and change something in your life and in the results you get.

I'm curious — how do you see control? How present is it in your everyday life, and how does it affect you?

With love,

Raluca

P.S: If you enjoyed this article and would like me to write more on this topic, leave me a message in the comments below!