How Lack of Self-Confidence Affects You

Have you ever wondered why you need someone's approval to make a decision, or to act a certain way?

Yes, we all have moments when we feel the need for someone's support, or want a second opinion when making an important decision.

But how do you know when it's too much? How can you tell whether your life is truly about your own decisions, independent of the influence of those around you?

Well, you know you can't make decisions without other people's validation when…

You're afraid to say NO

The other day I was talking with a client about how much of a change it was for him the moment he learned to say no. For one, he now has more time for the things he actually enjoys.

I know what it's like wanting to please everyone. The only problem is that every time you say yes to someone else, you're saying no to yourself.

You let people think you agree when you actually don't

I've fallen into this trap many times myself, because I wanted the people I was talking to to feel good. I'd nod along to what they said, even when I didn't actually agree.

Once again, the desire to be liked by others, at the cost of giving up your own principles and values, isn't a winning strategy in the long run.

You don't speak up when you get poor-quality goods or services

How many times have you been unhappy with a restaurant meal or a hotel's service, but when the waiter or staff asked how everything was, you nodded and said it was all fine?

When you don't speak up, you reinforce your own sense of worthlessness, and you deny yourself the right to quality goods and services.

You change your opinions easily when someone disapproves

Do you switch sides easily? That means you don't trust your own convictions, and you don't want to bother others by taking a different stance than theirs. In the long run, you end up anxious, confused, or frustrated, because you're not clear on who you actually are.

When someone disagrees with what you say or do, you take it personally

You feel genuinely hurt and insulted.

Very rarely, though, do the people who disagree actually intend to hurt you. They're often just people used to speaking their mind, or they see it as a form of help — pointing out where you might be wrong and what you could do differently.

You catch yourself trying to get attention through gossip

Sure, a bit of harmless gossip, you might say — the kind that could make you seem sharper and help you socialize more easily. Over time, though, you'll find that this seemingly innocent habit chips away at your own self-esteem.

You expect compliments and get upset when you don't receive them

Few things provide the validation you're after quite like a compliment. But what happens when you don't get one? Once again, that sense of failure creeps back in.

You join groups and adopt ideas you don't actually agree with, just to belong

When you're constantly seeking validation and approval, you easily give up on who you are. At some point, though, this creates an inner conflict between your core principles and the people you're trying to please.

Looking more closely, you realize that everything you're doing really comes down to your desire to be approved of and accepted.

It's about self-respect, and about being comfortable with who you are.

If you think about it more carefully, it's really about those moments when you're not sure of yourself, isn't it?

What does that mean?

Well, it's about that all-important self-esteem — or rather, the lack of it. The search for approval has its roots deep in low self-esteem.

What can you do to build your self-esteem?

First, I'd suggest taking a pause. Step out of the whirlwind of seeking validation, and start looking for your own answers instead.

Another thing you can do to stop constantly seeking validation is to accept criticism as something normal. People will keep criticizing you — what matters is how you receive it. For example, it helps me to treat criticism as feedback and see it as an opportunity to improve, to learn.

And as for compliments… we're all happy to receive them, aren't we? Try to see them as a bonus, not as something essential — something without which you'd have no worth.

What matters most is what you want, or who you want to be. It's equally important to feel comfortable with that. Once you have a clear answer to that question, you'll know what to do to stay true to your real values.

And if you feel you need a partner along the way to help identify these values, to build more confidence in your ability to decide for yourself, as free as possible from the opinions of others, or if you simply want a partner to help you understand more clearly what you want, reach out.

You can find more details about what a coaching process involves here.

In closing, I'll leave you with a message a client sent me today, one that brightened my whole day. It went something like this:

"Starting today, I want to live for myself!"

What do you want?

See you soon,

Raluca